Transcript from President Trump’s Rorschach Test Released

Ran­dall Brown

Mr. Pres­i­dent, dur­ing the test you will be shown a series of inkblot images. Look at each inkblot for a moment and then tell me what you per­ceive. [Shows the pres­i­dent first image.]

What I don’t see is col­lu­sion. Every­one says that. There is no col­lu­sion. Look­ing, look­ing, and there’s no col­lu­sion between Trump and Rus­sia. The Con­gress can’t ever see col­lu­sion. Every­one knows that. You ever have the Filet-o-Fish? Real­ly, real­ly, real­ly amaz­ing.

Mr. Pres­i­dent, I’d like to hear what you see. Just tell me what you see.

You know how I met Putin. He sent me a pic­ture of him­self on horse. He’s the Pres­i­dent of Rus­sia, you know. A lot of peo­ple don’t know that. It was beau­ti­ful, a young man on a horse. 

[Inter­rupt­ing] That inkblot, Mr. Pres­i­dent. What do you see in the inkblot?

Some­body said you see a Big Mac. Maybe that’s not right. I just heard that. That a lot of peo­ple see a Big Mac.

Mr. Pres­i­dent, what do you see?

You know how I met Putin. He sent me a pic­ture of him­self on a horse—

You told me that, sir.

He’s the pres­i­dent of Rus­sia, you know.

The inkblot? [Holds up a Diet Coke] Tell me what you see and you can have it.

I’m rich. Real­ly, real­ly, real­ly rich. [Focus­es for a moment on the inkblot]. It’s not a very good inkblot. I don’t know. Peo­ple are telling me…wait. [Reach­es inside pock­et and holds paper up for psy­chol­o­gist.] What’s that say?

Inkblot #1. A bat.

Well, there’s your answer.

You were giv­en the answers?

Some­one was giv­en the answers.

Let’s try anoth­er. [Takes paper of answers from Pres­i­dent.]

[Pres­i­dent grabs pile of inkblots, shuf­fles through them.] No col­lu­sion. No col­lu­sion. No col­lu­sion. No col­lu­sion. No col­lu­sion. No col­lu­sion. No col­lu­sion. No col­lu­sion.
And—[Pres­i­dent shows inter­view­er the pic­ture]—where you get this? [Pres­i­dent angri­ly crum­ples paper and shoves it in his jack­et pock­et.]

You tried to trick me. Show­ing me that. My father in a white hood rid­ing through the streets of Man­hat­tan. You’ll be hear­ing from an LLC in Delaware that is no way con­nect­ed to me: Not­Trump, LLC. I assume you have copies.

Just a stan­dard inkblot, sir. [Returns to first inkblot]. What do you see, Mr. Trump?

A wall. That’s what the base sees. And Mexico’s going to pay for it. And this test. And my next tan­ning spray. 

I want your answer, Mr. Pres­i­dent. [Push­es inkblot clos­er].

It’s going to be amaz­ing. Believe me.

What is, sir?

My answer. [Reach­es for Diet Coke] You know how I met Putin…